1097852 In this episode we pretend that Bill Simmons pretends he is from Boston. I really don't know what the truth is. I hope it doesn't turn out to be like the way some folks insist our president is from some foreign place like North Dakota. I don't mean anything against North Dakota but it's one of those forgotten states that feels like it might be in southern Canada. North Dakota and Alaska are the last two states I need to have been to all 50. I wonder if the government sends you a certificate when you've made it to all 50 states. I wonder what I did with all those certificates I earned through the years. I remember getting a certificate of participation one year for basketball but I hadn't played hardly at all so I tore it up in protest. That accounts for one. I cannot account for the award given me when my dog won "Strangest Pet" at a school fair. My dog had three and a half legs. He was hit by a car and they had to cut off half his back right leg. It was either his back right or his back left. He was in a bad mood the rest of his life. He didn't have to lift his leg to pee so that was a bonus. One time he bit the young daughter of one of my dad's best friends. My dad punted our dog about 25 feet. That's not as bad as what Michael Vick did but still it is bad. My dad scared me that day but mostly he was nice and even gave me twenty dollars to go to the race track. I would then give him back his twenty if I won plus 50% of the profit. I find that to be a very mature father-son relationship. What does any of this have to do with Bill? Well, he writes about 300,000 words a day. Or at least he used to. So I'm betting some of it didn't mean that much. It just can't. Sometimes Bill was just trying to get to the bottom of the page. Now Bill talks a lot on his web page. That's easier than writing, I think. Not that writing is that hard if you can read. I always tell the kids "read in order to write." Bill has kids. I'm sure that's what he tells his kids. Bill has a friend named Gus. You may have seen his name in some of Bill's 300,000 daily words back when Bill just wrote and didn't talk. He was mysterious back then. Gus would go on and on about how his friend Bill could write really well. At the very same time Bill was going on and on about his friend Gus. Gus and Bill must really like each other. One time Gus told me that Bill wrote about me. Since Gus was so high on Bill I took that as something very flattering. The reason Bill wrote about me was in praise of one line on a SportsCenter way back in like 1996. You can look it up. I'm not going to. What does it matter what the date was? The point is that Bill wrote about me before he was a big deal I want to thank Bill for noting the effort, and I want to thank Bill for his fine performance in our episode about him. It's a good thing he did well for us because no audio was recorded on me. I don't know how this happened. It was probably some kind of audio problem. After the story was edited I went to a studio and watched the episode and tried to repeat my lines so as to time out with when my mouth was moving. In that I don't move my mouth much when I speak the task was made easier. Watch closely and see if there are any parts that look like one of those old Japanese Sci-Fi movies. I bet Gus and Bill sat around and watched those when there was a rain delay during a Boston game. That's if there really is a Gus. That's if there really is a Bill. P.S. Thanks Stacy for being in this. Whenever someone at an airport tries to make fun of me for having failed on Dancing With the Stars I tell them, "Stacy Keibler said she liked my performance." Maybe she is a bad judge of dance…but look at her. <object width="440" height="361"><param name="movie" value="http://espn.go.com/broadband/player.swf?mediaId=4602862"/><param name="wmode" value="transparent"/><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"/><embed src="http://espn.go.com/broadband/player.swf?mediaId=4602862" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="440" height="361" allowScriptAccess="always"></embed></object> true 2009-10-28T20:46:10Z 97492 3 2009-11-10T19:51:31Z